An unfulfilled wish…

In case you never knew, I had desires to adopt a child. I went through the process with visions of providing a home for a needy little human. This never happened…the process got delayed by my lack of finger prints. And the end of that process was the beginning of my temporal insanity days.

Nobody knew my growing obsession with listening for cries as I passed a dumpster. Nobody knew how I swerved in traffic as my eyes scanned the highways for an abandoned child.

Never would I ever dream would come next. I began viewing adoption sites on-line. It’s quite easy to get lost in the faces of children in need. I even scanned the pictures of children of other countries. I even began to learn Russian. In case I could make a connection to a foreign child.

Though I’ve never told many of these desires, they existed. It’s okay now. Those times are over, and I got over my desire. Accepting what I could never have was a private difficulty. No one needed to know my unfulfilled wish. After all, I was blessed with three beautiful, intelligent children who I love dearly.

And today, the unfulfilled wish tells me that my heart is large and my desire to love another remains.

Snow Daze

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The last time I experienced so much snow around me was in Boise, ID with my daughter and today, I woke up to this in Seattle! It will probably melt soon it, but it’s a perfect “excuse” to sit in bed and write. It’s either that or go out and create a snow man of sorts. I did put on my very warm socks with the intention of taking some snow pictures later and taking a cold walk.  We’ll see.

It’s also a great time for me to process some things. I think I seriously need to divulge because lately, my dreams are weirder than ever.  I dreamed about mosquitos taking over a dish I was about to eat. I dreamed about a dog and how it killed an alligator that was in my bedroom and about trying to change a diaper and not being able to do it and last night about plants camouflaging to look like spiders!

So, I decided I needed to socially put this out there in hopes that it’ll alleviate some inner stress, face my struggles and hopefully help others who may be facing hard realities.

One thing. I am a true introvert and I don’t like to have attention drawn to me. So there’s that. And then my kids. First of all, they blow me away with their emotional intelligence.  They have been open about their struggles and as a result, they face them head on while also (no doubt) helping those that struggle as they do and I’m encouraged to do the same thing.

So, I’ve been married for 24 years, but my marriage is ending and I’m separated. Even writing it down brings home it’s stark reality. But, strangely, writing about it also brings some peace. This is my very difficult reality and I’m not always together. People around me need to know why.

But, at the same time, I have healthy outlets and meaningful relationships. I also have a great therapist who I can see, if needed. I’m also a believer and so there’s the power of prayer. I have peace. But I still needed to be open with you.

My family, friends, readers. I need you and I value you. You are important in my life.

Thank you for allowing me this platform, this snowy day to truly update you.

~Peace and more peace….

 

 

 

Darkness, light, and the joy of Pj’s

So, was it yesterday that I wrote about Faith, Hope and Love and did I mention the dark side and stomping on it and all that? Well, I DO believe that’s possible, but today, I just feel the need to clarify a bit.

Darkness is dark and no one is excluded from being seduced by it. Just as misery loves company, the dark side “parties” with the induction of new recruits. So, that’s all, I just felt like yesterday’s post was incomplete. I’m done. End of sermon.

Now, this is random, but I’m excited…I found a new idea for fashion for 2017 and I’m totally serious about this: pajamas!

I’ve longed struggled with trying to find clothes that look good on me and as I get older, this problem only seems to get worse! Clothes look great on hangers, but try them on and no, just no to some of them.

Anyway, I recently read an email about sleep-wear being on sale and I browsed around and lo and behold the idea came to me…pajamas!

You’ve no idea how much peace and glee I found in the possibilities of what I could buy in this underrepresented fashion realm. Yay!

I may be an older woman, but I don’t care to wear some baby colored, frilly, felt, flowery nightgown or in Pepto- Bismol pink PJ’s that look (to me) like children’s onesies seriously.

No.

Instead, I looked on the Gap and Soma and check this out, on Bare Necessities, now that’s what I’m talking about. I’d even wear some of that to work!

All right, now, after all this writing of dark, light and pajamas and such, it’s getting late. It’s been a long day. Hope yours was good.

~Peace, light and PJ’s.

Sunday’s Sentiments

Update:

What I have been doing is approximately about 96% of what I should be doing. But, as I write this, I think, wait, who’s to say my choices are wrong? Who is it that dictates what activities I need to be involved in? What shows I watch, how I spend my money, or how I spend my time?

So, what am I doing?

I’ve been working, mostly and trying to manage time, energy and giving of myself between jobs, students and family.

What am I not doing? Well, apparently, the Christmas season is upon us(me) and so I should probably be playing Mrs. Santa and baking sugar cookies or whatever. There’s always something the world has us think we should be involved in depending on the  season. Some of those things, yes, would be cool to do, but  I’ve decided this year that according to those rules, if I get a Christmas tree up and decorated, that it would be good.

And enough of the philosophical talk, I would like to say that I’m happily busy with work and with relationships that are meaningful. I don’t think I can ask for more. I’m trying to be grateful for the people I’ve been chosen to love and for those who come in and out of my life by way of work, where I live and what I do on a daily, weekly basis.

What are you doing and how will you spend this busy season of life? I hope it’s good.

~Peace.

 

 

Monday Morning

I had a case of “morn-somnia”, that is when you wake in the wee hours* of the morning and fail to go back to sleep, and so I thought I’d do a quick update and feel somewhat productive.

Okay, so the update:

Though I’m a writer at heart, and enjoy work in pj’s, I’ve pretty much launched myself headlong into the work-out-of-home arena. The good news? Well, there is the income thing, sure, but I think the w.o.o.h jobs have put some balance into my personality. I tend to withdraw from the world happily, and even though that’s nice for me, it does nothing to help the world at large. And in my opinion, the world at large needs every one of us to give of ourselves. So, like a good cup of coffee, each day, I attempt to pour myself out onto humanity to see what good I can help do. And if I can’t help, then at least, I have tried.

When I’m home, I try to recuperate so that I can then pour myself onto the people in my life that truly matter. All 5 of us were together for Thanksgiving and it was great to just be together and talk, eat and enjoy each other.

So, here it is Monday and it’s a new week. There is much to do, more to work on and love to pass along to others. I’m thankful.

~Peace.

 

 

 

I’m an ostrich

Yeah, I’m not a musician, but some mornings I wake up hearing the best guitar solo, seriously, but with no instrumental talent to let it out. I guess I’m “inner-expressing”. It seems a much safer avenue then letting it out which at times I choose to do and it ain’t pretty, raw emotion rarely is. It‘s like having a lion inside my inner lamb that needs to roar and my inner controls just are tired of holding onto it, so I let it go. Roar! and all too quickly following the roar is a paw going right to my mouth which then transforms into like a chicken claw (can’t think of the animal lingo) and I become an Ostrich ready to stick my head in the sand. Do ostriches really do that? Ostriches are weird. I don’t even know if I’m spelling it right, but too early to check. Maybe I’m an ostrich because only recently I saw a video comparing a sound they make to a lion.

Ok, enough about animals I don’t know much about. I’m writing because I woke up early and I have a busy day ahead of me and I just want time to click the keyboard in peace. I may not be able to fly my fingers on guitar strings, but I can type, and fast! Okay, not like Elaine-fast 😉

What woke me up? A dream I was having. In it I was pulling up a chair and talking to my mother and I was enjoying it. The older I get, the more I get her, the more I understand her and it, the roar. She needed to roar at times, she needed us to know it was there and now I understand why.

~Roar! (then go stick your head in the sand)

 

 

October’s Thoughts

I’m sorry, but if time doesn’t fly, then whatever it is that it’s doing is undoubtedly equivalent to some sort of tangible (or intangible!) movement. The last time I posted on here is September, and a whole month has gone by. I have not even bought a freakin’ pumpkin’ and all the ornaments are hung up in the stores!

Is this the phenomenon of aging? Or are young people experiencing this as well?

It doesn’t matter, the update is as follows:

  1. I appreciate the time I’m given on earth. My life is much easier than many millions of people. I may not be rich (depending of some people’s definition), but I’m sure as hell privileged and I’m quite aware of it and grateful.
  2. I love learning. I love learning about people. I love learning about people and their various experiences. I love learning about people, their culture and their various food experiences.
  3. This week I’ve learned what “soldiers” are in terms of an English dish. It’s when you put half a soft boiled egg into an elegant egg cup, (making sure there’s runny yolk) and then putting at least 6 skinny slices of toast in it for dipping. (Please feel free to correct me!)
  4. Motivation is a curious thing. In my opinion, it appeals to us (humans) to have desirable choices offered especially when faced with the inevitable choices we encounter daily in having to work. (Not sure that makes sense even to me)
  5. I enjoy discovering human’s fallibility. (Just me?)
  6. I have a rebellious streak and I push limits of authority.
  7. I like fairness.

~That’s all, it’s late. Goodnight.

So I was sitting…

unashamedly taking up the whole “couch” at the car repair place playing a word game on my phone, feet propped up on the coffee table (that’s what they’re for right?) intermittently looking up at the news. With each story, there came a comment and a few chuckles from the couple sitting across on chairs.

I had noticed them right away as they walked in to the waiting area. She, in a cute pony tail and cap hanging on to the arm of,  who at first glance, thought was her father then quickly realized was her husband as I noted how they interacted. I had also taken note that there was something about her face, and then I saw the white cane and realized she was blind as well.

(And really? I still didn’t move off or over on the couch. ) Anyway, I thought them cute and quite a pair as he also struggled as he walked with a pronounced limp and a cane for support. (Later I found out he was a retired firefighter, hence the limp)

After a few stories,  I had joined them in chuckling as I heard their remarks and then they introduced themselves and after the usual exchanges, the husband went on to share the story of his blind wife and how she struggled through to survive a horrific accident years prior.

It was earlier in the week that I was already amazed at a news story of several people who had been given whole face transplants. I stared at the before and after pictures in aww at how a human being can still survive without much of their face.

Anyway, that’s what I was thinking as I was looking at this woman’s face. I was also thinking that whoever her surgeon was had done a great job as I had first thought she was a teenager with how she carried herself and how pretty she remained.

But,  the most amazing trait this couple exuded was joy, strength and a sense of humor about life. They smiled as they spoke and joked with each other.

They shared most of their story with me before their names were called that their car was ready. I called after them, “You should write a book!” to which he replied, “She did…It’s called Obstacles, Bring ‘Em

After hearing her story and how a law was passed for drivers to secure their load after her accident, I began thinking about why I may have come across this amazing woman.

I had been feeling down and depressed this week. The obstacles of life were beating me down. It wasn’t anything huge or traumatic as this woman had suffered,  but, I was down because my attitude had become negative. I felt stuck in my mood.

I know now it was no coincidence that I ran into this couple the day I needed a boost out of my dark cloud. It worked. It’s still raining outside, but I am smiling for now as I think about this woman. I also bought her book and am beginning to read it.

Thank you God, you have your ways. I got the message.

~Peace friends