Update: I needed to write today to see if it helped. I’ve not been able to consistently read or write a whole lot and it sucks. But, I’m finding myself going through a weird stage. It’s like, I know the truth of what is happening to me, divorce. And I can say it, and there are days I can accept it, but then there are other days… when I feel like I’m just experiencing it second hand. Like the experience is happening outside of myself.
If you were to peer into my life in the last few months. You might find me tossing the ex-husbands stuff across the room, or asleep next to dried up, crumpled tissues and on darker days, full blown escape of the world by calling in sick. (only happened once) But, then there are good days. Days when I’m playing with a cat, drawing pictures that have placid, pleasant colors. No tears and even signs of hope. And a vision for a better, freer more joyful life.
And then it goes back to days like today. The numb days. Days when I feel nothing and I feel inhuman, robotic. I feel like I’m inside a protective bubble that I’m not sure how to break out of. Is this normal? Days I have nothing to give, no desire to cook. But, shouldn’t it bother me to eat popcorn for dinner and not care about planning for work? Shouldn’t I turn the tv off and get off this couch? Nah, I’d rather watch tv endlessly because it’s an escape.
I don’t know, and I’m too tired to analyze. I’m sorry to update so depressingly, but don’t worry, I’m taking care of myself and keeping appointments and adult-ing. I even took out all three bins for Monday’s trash trucks. The laundry is done and the house is dusted.
I just wanted to get this out of me. Thank you for the many prayers prayed. You are being prayed for also.
Thanks for letting me get all of this out.