Chocolate

If you haven’t guessed by now, I absolutely love my kids, flowers, clouds and chocolate !

I was in Denver, Colorado for Thanksgiving visiting my daughter and we enjoyed being together. The weather was unseasonably warm and today we took a walk to the bookstore and on the way home we stopped at Chocolate Lab. I had the salt and pepper truffles and a Chocolate covered cherry cocktail, it was wonderful!

Hope everyone enjoyed a safe and joyful Thanksgiving.

Yummy Chocolate cocktails!

The “Itsy-bitsy ” Spider

I neither like insects nor hate them. I just accept that I have to live with them especially since I live in Texas currently.

Mind you, in its infancy, I’ve already made it angry or afraid for its life by batting at it which with a spider is not necessarily the best idea because then it hides….and grows!

What I won’t accept is that there is a tiny spider that currently resides in my car. It was so tiny a few days ago that I needed my readers to see that it was actually a spider. Today, I can clearly see it without using my glasses, ugh, so it’s developing, growing into what some day could be a larger one!

So, I’ve been thinking about what to do. Because I’m not a killer of life if there’s another way to deal with it, which I haven’t thought of, so unless someone has an idea, I’m taking my vehicle to the dealership where they will clean the interior and I hope it gets sucked into its next life!

If I don’t act now, I will have a bigger problem on my hands and I just can’t.

Yikes!

Chocolate Pumpkin

What does it look like?

I didn’t win the pinwheel contest, after looking at my pinwheel again, I could see why. No matter, for my next contest, the pumpkin painting contest!

I enjoy chocolate, especially dark chocolate. That is what inspired me. I hope you guessed either a candied Apple or a chocolate covered cherry. Regardless, again I had fun participating.

Life is too hard not to have fun or at least participate in. Just try.

I lost my Dad October 1, 2021 and my Mom on October 3, 2018. Autumn is a bittersweet time for me, I love it and have some hard memories in it. So, that’s why I try… to have fun.

Pinwheel Contest

Why did I get excited about decorating a pinwheel at my age?

It wasn’t just me apparently, other people in the office took up the challenge of decorating a pinwheel, so that was comforting.

I don’t feel compelled to win the contest, what appeals to me is the play factor.

“I just wanna play!”

It’s been building in me this need to play. Covid has me trapped inside my apartment and though I’m grateful I can work from home, I’ve missed “playing”.

I’ve decided to enjoy decorating the pinwheel by painting it. Looking at it, you may think a child painted it and you would be correct. The child inside me painted it and truly enjoyed it.

Yay to pinwheels!

~Peace y’all

I have painted one side. I will post the completed one soon.

Extending Peace

I’m learning that extending peace takes some effort. The branch obviously came from a tree. To form it into a wreath would also require planning and tools.

I knew what the branch meant for me initially. It meant making peace with my past. First of all my kids. I’m still working on mending those relationships. It is a “work” of love in process.

Next, and most obvious to me was peace with my ex. This seemed daunting, and would require interaction. Hmm… well after some research on boundaries, it is achieved to a point, at least for now.

Next, I tried to have more peace with my family and friends. They have been with me throughout the many seasons of my life and I know I needed to nurture those relationships.

Most recently, I need to make with my Mom and her passing.

Last, and I’m sure not least, but proving to be most difficult is extending peace to myself. I’m not sure what this will look like beyond forgiving myself.

That is where Jesus plays a big role in my life. He offers true peace and with that hope for redemption. A forgiveness and removal of what was and an underserving chance. He cancels the debt. He paid what I owe and could never repay.

That is the reason He came to earth. To make it possible to live in this world. And for reasons I’m still finding out.

Missing my old life

Missing my old life, what was it like? It was scratching my daughter’s back and hearing her tell me her dreams. It was having a glass of wine with the other, more a friend than my child. It was back in the day, enjoying the witticisms of my only son and his friends. It’s listening to a teacher marveling at my daughter’s intellect. It was seeing my kids strum an instrument. It was watching my three kids skating playing street hockey. It’s standing by as my kids brushed their teeth watching them in the mirror— growing. It’s standing on the side of a mountain, afraid they would step too close to the edge. Blessed beyond blessed is my life being a mother. Those are the days I miss the most.

Crash!

I’ve been known to throw a few things in the past, at walls, at floors, at people I love. There is a sick satisfaction to this action, albeit momentarily. The guilt follows much too quickly for any true satisfaction. Those were the days when anger got the better of me. Those were the days of passionate fits. Gone are those days, I’m all fought out. I’ve lost the fire. My ex-marriage brought an end to that. That is what the majority of 24 years in a fight can do.

My fire burns a bit dimmer these days, but steadily. After all, that is what my name means. So, I have to keep some fire. But, I’ve been single now for over 3 years, separated for almost 4 years. During this time, I have found my voice, my opinions, my strength and self-respect.

Most people have these qualities and use them spontaneously, but once my marriage became an abusive environment, I shut it all down. I had to, for survival. The interesting thing is that my ex would probably report the same abuse from me. I did yell, fight and shout, but I thought I was fighting for my marriage, to keep it.

The bottom line is that marriage is a delicate dance with two partners learning and practicing the steps willingly.

Divorce comes when all you can do is step on each other’s toes and finally have to walk away because it hurts so much.

The hurt comes and goes in waves, until finally the waves even out and the crashes are less frequent. The steady waves of what was blends into the waves of now. The future begins calling louder than the past.

It amazes me how the heart can move on, but not until it’s allowed the freedom to mourn and grieve. The heart can become open to new love, but must have the time to make space.

In the words of a great song, “Let it be, let it be…let it be, let it be, there will be an answer, let it be.”

A Change

It’s subtle, but the signs appear.

Cooler evenings. Dew on grass.

Leaves waving, a branch bending, colors changing.

The sky changes, the air thins, the sun weakens.

A season ending, a season beginning.

Missing the old, embracing the beauty of the new.

Like a raging toddler to a calmer kindergartener,

From clumsy puppy to a stately dog.

Miss the old, embrace the new.

From running swiftly, to aching muscles,

From fresh ideas to reminiscing.

dog on concrete road
Photo by Daniel Frank on Pexels.com

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From youth to old.

Miss the old, embrace the new.

Next Year’s Bloom

Dear beautiful, grey, mild, temperate, and moody Seattle,

Remember when we first met? I was the girl with a ready smile and wave. That is how I arrived. Unaware, talkative and naive, but eager nonetheless.

You wooed me with your water, delicious and sweet.

You freshened me with your breeze, crisp and floral.

Summer came and more gifts you bestowed.

Mountains unveiled and waters blued. Forests came alive, vegetation unearthed.

Elms, Spruce, Cherry trees and Douglas fir cover the land.

Rosemary, daffodils and tulips fed my nose on my daily walks.

Later, dasies, multi-colored roses, and rododendrons colored the land.

Diablo, dahlias, hydrangea and lilies clothed in vibrancy.

As my eyes scanned the flora, my thoughts rose upward to the Creator

Skies of pink, and shimmering gold braiding the most blue skies.

Then came the fall with its rusty hue and chill. It came to stay and chased the sun away. The dark and grey days began and quickly wore out their welcome.

Winter ensued,  leaves falling staging the piney greens. Morning dew crystalized leaves and giving runners a smokey breath.

Inside, blankets and books littered the table while cocoa warmed the hands.

The longing for flowers became a constant dream. I can’t wait until they come…are they here yet? Will today’s sun hold any warmth?

Day after bone chilling day and skin’s tan all the way faded, body fattened and hiding in thickened fibers.

But even then, the beauty remained.

On a rare sunny morning, I glimpsed the mountains in all their “Swiss” beauty They waved a hello and longed for a visitor.

When I bared the cold, and shared the crispy paths with others, I filled my lungs with sharp, biting winds which helped clear the past.

In the wind, I heard, “You’re released.”
I smiled with parched lips, but teared up as the season wrapped up, a promise of another spring affirmed.

I stood…gazing again, stopping. Not wanting to turn away, I looked on, imagining the return of a season in Seattle and realizing then that I would miss next years bloom.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The mess has a purpose

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Here on the right is a mess, but without knowing the story, you can’t know how it got to be there, why it’s the way it is and why certain pieces are part of this particular mess. That is because you do not know the planner or the purpose of the planner.

On the left is the outcome of such a mess. Inside the box are lessons that were planned from the mess. Inside the box, are lessons tailor made for the player of the box. It took a mess to get to the plan of the box. The things in the mess are not invaluable. The things left out of the box weren’t insignificant, they just weren’t needed. They didn’t belong in the plan, but they were part of the planning. They were sifted through, and put aside to be used at the right time.

As I look at both sides, the box with a plan and the mess, I ask myself, “Which do I prefer to work with?” I think and the answer is that I prefer the box with activities that I know will work for the player. I choose the box because the things in it have purpose for the growth of the player.

Think of these things. Chew on this analogy. What does it fit in your life?