Crash!

I’ve been known to throw a few things in the past, at walls, at floors, at people I love. There is a sick satisfaction to this action, albeit momentarily. The guilt follows much too quickly for any true satisfaction. Those were the days when anger got the better of me. Those were the days of passionate fits. Gone are those days, I’m all fought out. I’ve lost the fire. My ex-marriage brought an end to that. That is what the majority of 24 years in a fight can do.

My fire burns a bit dimmer these days, but steadily. After all, that is what my name means. So, I have to keep some fire. But, I’ve been single now for over 3 years, separated for almost 4 years. During this time, I have found my voice, my opinions, my strength and self-respect.

Most people have these qualities and use them spontaneously, but once my marriage became an abusive environment, I shut it all down. I had to, for survival. The interesting thing is that my ex would probably report the same abuse from me. I did yell, fight and shout, but I thought I was fighting for my marriage, to keep it.

The bottom line is that marriage is a delicate dance with two partners learning and practicing the steps willingly.

Divorce comes when all you can do is step on each other’s toes and finally have to walk away because it hurts so much.

The hurt comes and goes in waves, until finally the waves even out and the crashes are less frequent. The steady waves of what was blends into the waves of now. The future begins calling louder than the past.

It amazes me how the heart can move on, but not until it’s allowed the freedom to mourn and grieve. The heart can become open to new love, but must have the time to make space.

In the words of a great song, “Let it be, let it be…let it be, let it be, there will be an answer, let it be.”

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