In case you never knew, I had desires to adopt a child. I went through the process with visions of providing a home for a needy little human. This never happened…the process got delayed by my lack of finger prints. And the end of that process was the beginning of my temporal insanity days.
Nobody knew my growing obsession with listening for cries as I passed a dumpster. Nobody knew how I swerved in traffic as my eyes scanned the highways for an abandoned child.
Never would I ever dream would come next. I began viewing adoption sites on-line. It’s quite easy to get lost in the faces of children in need. I even scanned the pictures of children of other countries. I even began to learn Russian. In case I could make a connection to a foreign child.
Though I’ve never told many of these desires, they existed. It’s okay now. Those times are over, and I got over my desire. Accepting what I could never have was a private difficulty. No one needed to know my unfulfilled wish. After all, I was blessed with three beautiful, intelligent children who I love dearly.
And today, the unfulfilled wish tells me that my heart is large and my desire to love another remains.
What I have been doing is approximately about 96% of what I should be doing. But, as I write this, I think, wait, who’s to say my choices are wrong? Who is it that dictates what activities I need to be involved in? What shows I watch, how I spend my money, or how I spend my time?
So, what am I doing?
I’ve been working, mostly and trying to manage time, energy and giving of myself between jobs, students and family.
What am I not doing? Well, apparently, the Christmas season is upon us(me) and so I should probably be playing Mrs. Santa and baking sugar cookies or whatever. There’s always something the world has us think we should be involved in depending on the season. Some of those things, yes, would be cool to do, but I’ve decided this year that according to those rules, if I get a Christmas tree up and decorated, that it would be good.
And enough of the philosophical talk, I would like to say that I’m happily busy with work and with relationships that are meaningful. I don’t think I can ask for more. I’m trying to be grateful for the people I’ve been chosen to love and for those who come in and out of my life by way of work, where I live and what I do on a daily, weekly basis.
What are you doing and how will you spend this busy season of life? I hope it’s good.
I had a case of “morn-somnia”, that is when you wake in the wee hours* of the morning and fail to go back to sleep, and so I thought I’d do a quick update and feel somewhat productive.
Okay, so the update:
Though I’m a writer at heart, and enjoy work in pj’s, I’ve pretty much launched myself headlong into the work-out-of-home arena. The good news? Well, there is the income thing, sure, but I think the w.o.o.h jobs have put some balance into my personality. I tend to withdraw from the world happily, and even though that’s nice for me, it does nothing to help the world at large. And in my opinion, the world at large needs every one of us to give of ourselves. So, like a good cup of coffee, each day, I attempt to pour myself out onto humanity to see what good I can help do. And if I can’t help, then at least, I have tried.
When I’m home, I try to recuperate so that I can then pour myself onto the people in my life that truly matter. All 5 of us were together for Thanksgiving and it was great to just be together and talk, eat and enjoy each other.
So, here it is Monday and it’s a new week. There is much to do, more to work on and love to pass along to others. I’m thankful.
Yeah, I’m not a musician, but some mornings I wake up hearing the best guitar solo, seriously, but with no instrumental talent to let it out. I guess I’m “inner-expressing”. It seems a much safer avenue then letting it out which at times I choose to do and it ain’t pretty, raw emotion rarely is. It‘s like having a lion inside my inner lamb that needs to roar and my inner controls just are tired of holding onto it, so I let it go. Roar! and all too quickly following the roar is a paw going right to my mouth which then transforms into like a chicken claw (can’t think of the animal lingo) and I become an Ostrich ready to stick my head in the sand. Do ostriches really do that? Ostriches are weird. I don’t even know if I’m spelling it right, but too early to check. Maybe I’m an ostrich because only recently I saw a video comparing a sound they make to a lion.
Ok, enough about animals I don’t know much about. I’m writing because I woke up early and I have a busy day ahead of me and I just want time to click the keyboard in peace. I may not be able to fly my fingers on guitar strings, but I can type, and fast! Okay, not like Elaine-fast 😉
What woke me up? A dream I was having. In it I was pulling up a chair and talking to my mother and I was enjoying it. The older I get, the more I get her, the more I understand her and it, the roar. She needed to roar at times, she needed us to know it was there and now I understand why.
then go stick your head in the sand)
There’s plenty of hospitality and friendliness and smiles in Texas, that’s true. The visits with friends and family are welcomed fun and needed. The familiarity of what I once considered home, comforts my soul, like putting on a worn jacket when that first chill of fall makes it’s presence known.
I’m keeping my heart open to the realities of my life. There was a time when I struggled to find a place to call home. I longed to find a place to hang my hat, to grow roots, but no more. I’m not running anymore. I have found my places to be, my places to visit with the people I love and cherish. Home for me is my loved ones. The ones who make my heart sing.
Downtown Fort Worth. My home town and where my son currently lives.
Kansas City, where my son plans to move.
Seattle is where my husband, daughter and I currently reside.