pain – I Write

Chocolate Pumpkin

I didn’t win the pinwheel contest, after looking at my pinwheel again, I could see why. No matter, for my next contest, the pumpkin painting contest!

I enjoy chocolate, especially dark chocolate. That is what inspired me. I hope you guessed either a candied Apple or a chocolate covered cherry. Regardless, again I had fun participating.

Life is too hard not to have fun or at least participate in. Just try.

I lost my Dad October 1, 2021 and my Mom on October 3, 2018. Autumn is a bittersweet time for me, I love it and have some hard memories in it. So, that’s why I try… to have fun.

What is Divorce?

Divorce is when you realize you can’t listen to certain songs anymore.

Divorce shatters holidays.

Divorce means having to accept death to a dream.

Divorce means watching your kids dreams die.

Divorce means wearing a “less than perfect” label around your neck.

Divorce means living life being stalked by the past.

Divorce is watching your ex shrink.

Divorce is an unraveling of a cord.

Divorce grieves God.

Divorce means starting again though some parts have died.

Divorce makes little sense to extended young family.

Divorce is one big sigh…

Divorce is exhausting.

Divorce is joining a party you didn’t wish to be invited to.

Divorce bites.

Divorce is an ugly word.

Divorce screams shame.

Divorce aims at your heart and celebrates the bullseye.

Divorce cocks the gun and shoots straight.

Divorce is sitting alone on a hill and it starts to rain.

Divorce makes it hard to smile.

Divorce pain is found in your eyes.

Though divorce ushers in a new beginning, the end keeps resurrecting.

I wrote this with those in mind whose lives have recently (and not so recently) been invaded by the terrible choices that other humans make. I can’t understand, nor have I lived this terror myself. But, I’m realizing that this could be my life. It could be anyone’s life, unfortunately. But today, I can only imagine the pain, the tears. But I do care and think about the unimaginable that has become another’s life.

With still heavy lids, I woke up to a strange and terrible rumble, the shattering of glass, the smell of death and screams.

It invaded my dream of sandy beaches and the noise of a children’s laughter.

The terror of today took my life.

Took the life I had known. The life I had grown to love,

My life filled with love, with peace, the smell, the taste, the sounds of home.

That was my life, that was our life, that was our home.

Many, many days before, so long ago, so long ago…so long.

So… long… ago.

And now, I run, I hide, I fear not knowing where to go or where to sleep.

Where do I go, oh where do I go, where do I go, where should we go?

And finally I stop, I only stop because my feet can’t go anymore. I fall exhausted to the

ground. I rest because I have to. I try to.

I sleep. But, my mind forgot how to rest, I recycle the images I can’t deal with during the day.

I awake trembling, searching, but groggy with sleep.

I succumb again…I sleep for a

moment.

Then, it begins again, the noise invades.

This is my life. A life with no home.

When I find I can’t run anymore, or sleep.

I find a corner and I weep.

I weep as a unconsolable child heaving and hugging myself into an ever smaller person.

I desire to disappear, to hide from my reality.

Because this is not life, this is not home, I have no peace, I have no hope.

Help, help, help me from this hell.

Take me away from here. Please take me away far from here. Take me, take me away, I pray take me away, take me away, take me away…from here.

My tears stop in my trembling hand, I hear a whisper, ” I’m here. I’m sorry.”

I look up I cry and I scream, “Why….,” I’m filled with anger…”Why?!…why?!.”

I hear nothing, but silence. It’s strange at first, I look around…wait, but nothing,

For the moment. And then…

The wind moves the trees, and the raindrops begin, quietly…steady..and then a deluge.

The thunder crashes and the earth vibrates with the thunder. It repeats again and again.

I have no fear. The storm reverberates.

And I know, he sees, he feels, he hears, he knows.

I see my trembling hand taken, I feel my hair caressed, I sense my face being touched and I hear…

“I’ll take you away, from here, from here, I’ll take you away from here, I’ll take you. I’ll take you, I’ll take you away, away, away, take you away…take you from here, far away from here. Away from here.

I’ll take you away. I’ll take you away….away from here.

The thunder rumbles, the wind calms, the rain steadies. The storm is over. For the moment. A moment. Just a moment.

For just a moment…

He took me away, away from here. From the hell down here. From all the pain down here, In my life… right here. He took me, he took me, he took me and shook me awake, he took me away.

From here.

Hmph, pancakes…

I’m saying that because yesterday I was gloating about having pancakes for lunch and then bam! My body reminds me that, yes, in fact, I am gluten sensitive. And no, I didn’t want to make gluten free pancakes, I wanted all american white flour (King Arthur’s), eggs (organic free range, butter (organic) and milk (almond milk), but no! My body said, “No white flour, period!”

So, as gluten sensitivity goes, you may guess where I spent some of my afternoon and I also poured my 3:00 p.m. glass of Pino back into the bottle. Yeah.

So, today, at the grocery store, I loaded up on gluten friendly flour, raw ginger (plain weird) and raw turmeric (weird “finger-looking” food). I’m focused on healthy bowel movements and a painless belly. And no worries, that same night, I poured myself a glass of healthy, antioxidant red wine. (Malbec)

In closing, this was not the post that had been bubbling up in me, but after yesterday, I don’t remember anymore what that may have been about. Such is life.

~Peace friends

The whole day

Seriously, it took the whole day and two glasses of Pinot Grisio to get me in front of the screen to write. Oh, and a square inch of Theo’s dark chocolate. I could’ve eaten the whole bar, but I need to pace myself on the stuff, a slow steady supply is perfect for the soul.

Anyway, here I am and I facing some heavy reflections from my vaca. Here in lovely Seattle, where the air and water are fresh and the connections few, I have time to think, to sit, to ponder. I think that what is important fades to the background here, but it doesn’t disappear. It’s a constant on my heart and mind, the conversations, the interactions I had with the people I love. They don’t go away. I know and have learned what’s important in life. I’m one blessed individual to have been given a chance, again, not one chance, but multiple to figure it out.

Do I have it all figured out? H-e–l-l no! ~~(I’ve wanted to say that!)~~ I’m not saying that. I’m blessed, but I have obeyed the “voice”of God these days because I know I didn’t in my past. I was the queen of doing what I pleased. I was the quintessential brat. Spoiled in the “soul”way. I thought life revolved around my desires. I had to be shown I wasn’t all that. I had to be torn down to finally “see”. My life had to come crashing down around me in order for me to smell coffee brewing.

Do I know 100% what He wants from me in this life? No, I don’t. Do I have the answers to the problems of this world? Not even close. My gift isn’t intellect, nor especially insight. That isn’t what He’s given me. What He’s given me is mercy. I deserve punishment for ALL the wrong I have done and continue to do, but no, He continues to give me mercy and I’m just so grateful, so, so grateful.

But here’s the thing. I’m not special. I’m not favored. I believe His love is for everyone. Everyone is given the same as God gives me. His gifts are for all who choose to believe and who choose love.

What are you going to choose today? What voice are you obeying today? What has happened in your life to get your attention? What has happened that has made food unappealing and life scary? Are you wondering how you’ll live another day? Yeah, I’ve been there as well. I want you to know you’re not alone. I remember it well and won’t allow myself to forget it.