An unfulfilled wish…

In case you never knew, I had desires to adopt a child. I went through the process with visions of providing a home for a needy little human. This never happened…the process got delayed by my lack of finger prints. And the end of that process was the beginning of my temporal insanity days.

Nobody knew my growing obsession with listening for cries as I passed a dumpster. Nobody knew how I swerved in traffic as my eyes scanned the highways for an abandoned child.

Never would I ever dream would come next. I began viewing adoption sites on-line. It’s quite easy to get lost in the faces of children in need. I even scanned the pictures of children of other countries. I even began to learn Russian. In case I could make a connection to a foreign child.

Though I’ve never told many of these desires, they existed. It’s okay now. Those times are over, and I got over my desire. Accepting what I could never have was a private difficulty. No one needed to know my unfulfilled wish. After all, I was blessed with three beautiful, intelligent children who I love dearly.

And today, the unfulfilled wish tells me that my heart is large and my desire to love another remains.

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A small gift of time

 

It’s given to us generously and we often take it for granted until we find ourselves with a lack of it. We fill our time with this and that. We dream of desires to do this and that when we steal a bit of time for ourselves. But, often, we don’t even do those things. *Guilty*

We sweep the floor, we shop for gifts, hang the stockings, wash the clothes, etc., but am I remembering that even those busy times are still times that others wish they had. While we stay busy, others suffer a time they hadn’t asked for and resent what has been given. Holiday time shouldn’t be for mourning, crying, or sitting alone. It shouldn’t involve being cold, hungry or desperately addicted.

Be still and know that He is God and we are not. But we can be guides, messengers, and vehicles for his love and healing. Am I listening to the voice that says “Allow yourselves to be used. Speak words of kindness, encouragement and peace to others who need it.”

I’ll try. If nothing else is produced in me, then please God, let it be that I can bring peace to another, kindness, and above all, love.

~Peace.

 

 

 

Monday Morning

I had a case of “morn-somnia”, that is when you wake in the wee hours* of the morning and fail to go back to sleep, and so I thought I’d do a quick update and feel somewhat productive.

Okay, so the update:

Though I’m a writer at heart, and enjoy work in pj’s, I’ve pretty much launched myself headlong into the work-out-of-home arena. The good news? Well, there is the income thing, sure, but I think the w.o.o.h jobs have put some balance into my personality. I tend to withdraw from the world happily, and even though that’s nice for me, it does nothing to help the world at large. And in my opinion, the world at large needs every one of us to give of ourselves. So, like a good cup of coffee, each day, I attempt to pour myself out onto humanity to see what good I can help do. And if I can’t help, then at least, I have tried.

When I’m home, I try to recuperate so that I can then pour myself onto the people in my life that truly matter. All 5 of us were together for Thanksgiving and it was great to just be together and talk, eat and enjoy each other.

So, here it is Monday and it’s a new week. There is much to do, more to work on and love to pass along to others. I’m thankful.

~Peace.

 

 

 

I’m an ostrich

Yeah, I’m not a musician, but some mornings I wake up hearing the best guitar solo, seriously, but with no instrumental talent to let it out. I guess I’m “inner-expressing”. It seems a much safer avenue then letting it out which at times I choose to do and it ain’t pretty, raw emotion rarely is. It‘s like having a lion inside my inner lamb that needs to roar and my inner controls just are tired of holding onto it, so I let it go. Roar! and all too quickly following the roar is a paw going right to my mouth which then transforms into like a chicken claw (can’t think of the animal lingo) and I become an Ostrich ready to stick my head in the sand. Do ostriches really do that? Ostriches are weird. I don’t even know if I’m spelling it right, but too early to check. Maybe I’m an ostrich because only recently I saw a video comparing a sound they make to a lion.

Ok, enough about animals I don’t know much about. I’m writing because I woke up early and I have a busy day ahead of me and I just want time to click the keyboard in peace. I may not be able to fly my fingers on guitar strings, but I can type, and fast! Okay, not like Elaine-fast 😉

What woke me up? A dream I was having. In it I was pulling up a chair and talking to my mother and I was enjoying it. The older I get, the more I get her, the more I understand her and it, the roar. She needed to roar at times, she needed us to know it was there and now I understand why.

~Roar! (then go stick your head in the sand)

 

 

No Longer

To “no longer” is to linger no more.

To “no longer” is to reboot.

To “no longer” is to act boldly on a new idea.

To “no longer” is to seek and pursue a more peaceful way.

To “no longer” manages chronic pain.

To “no longer” is to change directions.

To “no longer” is to excitedly wander in new lands.

To “no longer” is to discover renewed strength.

To “no longer” is to rest a matter.

To “no longer” is to stop the course.

To “no longer” is to choose a new way.

 

October’s Thoughts

I’m sorry, but if time doesn’t fly, then whatever it is that it’s doing is undoubtedly equivalent to some sort of tangible (or intangible!) movement. The last time I posted on here is September, and a whole month has gone by. I have not even bought a freakin’ pumpkin’ and all the ornaments are hung up in the stores!

Is this the phenomenon of aging? Or are young people experiencing this as well?

It doesn’t matter, the update is as follows:

  1. I appreciate the time I’m given on earth. My life is much easier than many millions of people. I may not be rich (depending of some people’s definition), but I’m sure as hell privileged and I’m quite aware of it and grateful.
  2. I love learning. I love learning about people. I love learning about people and their various experiences. I love learning about people, their culture and their various food experiences.
  3. This week I’ve learned what “soldiers” are in terms of an English dish. It’s when you put half a soft boiled egg into an elegant egg cup, (making sure there’s runny yolk) and then putting at least 6 skinny slices of toast in it for dipping. (Please feel free to correct me!)
  4. Motivation is a curious thing. In my opinion, it appeals to us (humans) to have desirable choices offered especially when faced with the inevitable choices we encounter daily in having to work. (Not sure that makes sense even to me)
  5. I enjoy discovering human’s fallibility. (Just me?)
  6. I have a rebellious streak and I push limits of authority.
  7. I like fairness.

~That’s all, it’s late. Goodnight.

The whole day

Seriously, it took the whole day and two glasses of Pinot Grisio to get me in front of the screen to write. Oh, and a square inch of Theo’s dark chocolate. I could’ve eaten the whole bar, but I need to pace myself on the stuff, a slow steady supply is perfect for the soul.

Anyway, here I am and I facing some heavy reflections from my vaca. Here in lovely Seattle, where the air and water are fresh and the connections few, I have time to think, to sit, to ponder. I think that what is important fades to the background here, but it doesn’t disappear. It’s a constant on my heart and mind, the conversations, the interactions I had with the people I love. They don’t go away.  I know and have learned what’s important in life. I’m one blessed individual to have been given a chance, again, not one chance, but multiple to figure it out.

Do I have it all figured out? H-e–l-l no! (I’ve wanted to say that!) I’m not saying that. I’m blessed, but I have obeyed the “voice”of God these days because I know I didn’t in my past. I was the queen of doing what I pleased. I was the quintessential brat. Spoiled in the “soul”way. I thought life revolved around my desires. I had to be shown I wasn’t all that. I had to be torn down to finally “see”. My life had to come crashing down around me in order for me to smell coffee brewing.

Do I know 100% what He wants from me in this life? No, I don’t. Do I have the answers to the problems of this world? Not even close. My gift isn’t intellect, nor especially insight. That isn’t what He’s given me. What He’s given me is mercy. I deserve punishment for ALL the wrong I have done and continue to do, but no, He continues to give me mercy and I’m just so grateful, so, so grateful.

But here’s the thing. I’m not special. I’m not favored. I believe His love is for everyone. Everyone is given the same as God gives me. His gifts are for all who choose to believe and who choose love.

What are you going to choose today? What voice are you obeying today? What has happened in your life to get your attention? What has happened that has made food unappealing and life scary? Are you wondering how you’ll live another day? Yeah, I’ve been there as well. I want you to know you’re not alone. I remember it well and won’t allow myself to forget it.